one month to go, and soon it will be christmas. it's written everywhere. as u walked in the streets, when u walk in the malls, christmas decorations are everywhere. is there still magic in christmas, really? deep down inside i don't know.......
i bought 4 cds today - all christmas songs. as i listened to them, each song took me down memory lane.
through the years when i was growing up, christmas held a different meaning. it meant presents and christmas mornings spent going to church. weeks before christmas, our family will spend time sitting in the living room, bringing out boxes after boxes of christmas trees decorations. some were bought from the stores, some "homemade" ornaments. and when the decos are done, my sisters and i will spend time wrapping up empty boxes in pretty papers and bows and place them as "presents" beneath the tree. we couldn't afford christmas presents back then. however, on christmas mornings we will go to church as a family.. followed by a simple christmas lunch at home that mummy cooked.
the year when i was turning 18, mom passed away. succumbing to cancer. the tradition carried on. but this time, we were able to put real presents beneath the trees. the tradition carried on, but during these growing years, christmases were spent apart - more often than not with friends instead of family.
then it came to when i got married, and later on had my own family. over the years, the tradition of christmas carried on - but just the "going on the shopping spree" part to shower everyone we loved with presents. christmas eves for me were spent with my son and husband, mostly just with my husband and friends where we would drink ourselves silly for the sole reason that it's christmas eve and it was time to celebrate. however, come christmas morning, everyone will be together. a nice little family gathering where we pass around presents and receive presents in return. this went on and on for the last 7 years.
today, as i sat alone in the living room, while little king is asleep listening to the christmas songs i bought, i find myself asking me " is there still magic in christmas?"... "what is christmas?"... and i remembered how christmas was like every year. and to a certain extend, i dread christmas this year. it would be so different. no husband to "celebrate" with... as he will be celebrating christmas with someone else. little king would very likely be with them then. i will not have the money i had to shower my loved ones with presents. i don't even know if there would be plans to go out on christmas eve and on christmas day.... , and i would probably be spending christmas alone. it's scary! i mean, many a times, being alone on normal days, we wouldn't really think about it.. but on a festive night? trust me, the thought of it chills one to the bone... at least, it did that to me. so will christmas still be magical? the christmas melodies are beautiful.... but when you are alone??? it kills you!! and it's not even christmas yet!
as i sat alone, with christmas songs playing on the background, and beer in my hand (i'd prefer wine for the moment), i find myself shedding tears... and asking myself, "has the magic of christmas disappeared?" "isn't this supposed to be a time where i should be looking forward to?" then... out of the blue, i heard a voice telling me... "christmas is not about the presents you will be giving or receiving. christmas is not about the nights out on christmas eve or the day lunch on christmas day. christmas is within you... and christmas is all about love... christmas is when u give presents, you give them from the heart, how big or small they gifts may be." -- hearing that voice, reminded me of a promise i made to someone dear 15 years back. come to think of it, that promise may be one of the most impossible promises i made and almost impossible to fulfill.
what is that promise, you may ask? :-) well... i am not going to tell you what it is now... but what i am able to tell you for the moment is, yes, somehow i still believe that there is magic in christmas.. whatever background you may come from or whatever religion you are practicing. coz christmas is all about love. and while i figure a way out to keep that promise (though deadline is closing by since christmas is barely a month away), i made a deal with heaven above and myself - if there is one prove that there is still magic is christmas, this very impossible promise will be fulfilled on christmas day.
stay tuned and look out for my christmas post, to know if this promise "was" fulfilled on christmas day!
in the meantime, have an advance merry christmas and a happy forthcoming holidays people!
Darling Amelia, you're right to believe that the magic still exists in Christmas. In fact, it exists everywhere, all around you, especially within you. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree that Christmas is all about love, no matter how big or small. It's the heart that matters and from there, the magic resides and grows.
This is a very personal and touching post, darling. I'm glad I took the time to read it and understand more about yourself. I'm looking forward to reading your next post. Hopefully, it'll have a happy ending~ :)